Hey guise...have you found your gentlemen sausage today?

"Tom McParland" (tommcparland) 05/30/2014 at 13:05 • Filed to: bloglopnik

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Wow...just wow

Interestingly, the only large car blog that budges the trend is Jalopnik. Maybe because Jalopnik is no car blog. !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! The bulk of its traffic originates from schools, Alexa says. "Penis" is a hot search word in this underage demographic, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! The stories in Jalopnik simulate real journalism as much as Gran Turismo simulates car racing. Both do it quite convincingly, and on occasion, Jalopnik is capable of pugnacious dirt-digging. The big car blog downdraft was powerful enough to retard Jalopnik's ascend a tiny bit. Fear not, as long as their readers search for their penis, and as long as Jalopnik is willing to sift through the mud before it slings it, the site will grow. And if you worry about young people losing their lust for cars, Jalopnik can provide that target in spades.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:09

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Somebody's jealous

RacecaR > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:09

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And how many writers from the Daily Kanban have been invited to discuss automotive related topics on a television news show?

Gamecat235 > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:10

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Maybe. =)

That is one very very very weird and heavily biased blurb. Project your own feels much? Wow.

EL_ULY > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:11

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at least it's going up.....just like my...well, you know :]

boioioioioioing!

ncasolowork2 > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:11

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WOW. There's a reason I like Jalopnik. They don't take anything too seriously but the stuff they do take seriously is the stuff I need to read about. I know full well a lot of the articles aren't news worthy, but who cares? I'm here because I enjoy cars and Jalopnik enjoys them too. Someone needs to email the author of that article a why so serious meme.

Mattbob > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:11

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wow. If you want growth, you would think you wouldn't want to alienate younger demographics (there seems to be a lot of hate towards them in this article). Also, doesn't it seem like jalopnik (oppo in particular) is an actual community with actual car people. Maybe that's why it is growing. I guess not, I had better go search "penis" some more.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > EL_ULY 05/30/2014 at 13:13

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EL_ULY > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/30/2014 at 13:13

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LOL!!!

Your boy, BJR > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:13

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Its in my hand so I can mushroom slap Bartel Schmitt with it right now…..

ttyymmnn > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:14

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In other words, Jalopnik seems to be doing something right.

RacecaR > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/30/2014 at 13:15

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Probably go turned down for a job at Jalopnik.

TwinCharged - Is Now UK Opponaut > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:15

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uh.

well.

r00000000000d.

Wacko > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:16

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Classic Bertel Schmitt being Bertel Schmitt.

Looks like he is still pissed about loosing his job at TTAC

All this from the man that popularized " flying vagina " to describe a Subaru grill.

yamahog > Gamecat235 05/30/2014 at 13:16

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SHIT IS YOURS MISSING TOO

SOMEONE ASSEMBLE A SEARCH PARTY

Nibbles > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:26

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I've never heard of The Daily Kanban. After reading that little blurb, it looks like I'll be keeping it as close to that way as possible.

DailyTurismo > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:28

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The stories in Jalopnik simulate real journalism as much as Gran Turismo simulates car racing.

OUCH!!!

P.S. This is the daily global page rank for DailyKanban.

#Rightbackatcha!

LuczOr > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:30

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Directly from "About the Author,"

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

After a 40 year hiatus, spent doing propaganda in the automotive industry around the world, Bertel returns as a journalist and to the roots of his initials.

Leadbull > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/30/2014 at 13:35

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Looks like they've got a serious case of penis envy.

Leadbull > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:37

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We should all visit the Daily Kanban and search for penis.

Mattbob > DailyTurismo 05/30/2014 at 13:38

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Awwwww snap.

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 13:44

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This is old, wasn't this published in TTAC?

Tom McParland > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 05/30/2014 at 13:47

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Possibly...but the author felt the need to re-bublish

Wacko > Leadbull 05/30/2014 at 14:05

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no don't we will just increase his web site hits, and his head will no longer fit through door ways.

Patrick George > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 14:07

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You were saying, my dear?

Tom McParland > Patrick George 05/30/2014 at 14:10

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LOL

I was going to drop a line to you or Matt but I didn't want to be that guy...figured you would come across it one way or another.

Classic case of...

I almost feel bad for that dude....almost

macanamera > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/30/2014 at 14:10

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I loved that episode(s).

Justin is driven > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 14:29

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The big car blog downdraft was powerful enough to retard Jalopnik's ascend a tiny bit.

What's an Ascend? Is that a new model from Kia or something? Also, I'm not sure how a downdraft can retard something.

ncasolowork2 > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 15:38

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http://jalopnik.com/rezvani-daniel…

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 15:53

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What the fuck? Was this written by a high schooler? Because it reads like it. Given the style of his site, I can't imagine I'm too far off.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > Leadbull 05/30/2014 at 15:54

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I'm fucking down. I'm so down. I might actually go do that right now.

un-hipster > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 16:42

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LOL his initials are B S... end of discussion!

un-hipster > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 17:08

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Just a poorly constructed attempt at internet bullying, to wit:

Start off with faint praise, backed up with a link that proves NOTHING!

Cite a seemingly damning factoid that is factually true (jalopnik will search for "penis" when that term is entered in the search box) SO WHAT!?

Tells us what to worry about (young people losing their lust for cars, which is quite often a topic here) and presents this as a problem that is solely the fault of jalopnik.

Haughtily proclaims that HIS website is far above such shenanigans because they don't accept ads or worry about rankings. SO WHAT? If you want to work for free, and don't care about what your peers think, then ROLL ON, BROTHER!

Somedays, I want to just reach through the wires on the computer and STRANGLE the fool on the other end!

The Transporter > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 18:48

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Conan > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 19:06

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People older and theoretically more mature than us can apparently clickbait too. Who knew?

Stef Schrader > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 22:09

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This is the guy who's still bitter about being ousted from TTAC for using a derogatory term for lesbians in an article, after he'd posted several other items that were in EXTREMELY poor taste.

It got so bad that I unliked TTAC on Facebook back when it was under Schmitt because I was looking for another job, for Pete's sake. Content that was highly questionable (far beyond our usual "holy —— this is awesome" and more in "HR would absolutely disapprove of that" territory) in the title or the lede just wasn't something I needed popping up in my likes, y'know?

I feel bad now—I've got friends working over there and just realized that I forgot to refollow TTAC. The rest of the staff over there is pretty solid. Problem solved!

Either way, I'll wear any sexist, ageist bitter old man rants from this Bertel fellow as a badge of honor. It reeks of jealousy. Good. Good. LET THE BUTTHURT FLOW THROUGH YOU.

Also, it's kind of hard to think of a word I'd like to Google less than "penis." Any parts of the anatomy, really. I'm sure the internet has found creative uses for them all to the point where Googling "foot" is even a dangerous bet.

Stef Schrader > Leadbull 05/30/2014 at 22:13

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What kind of a dadgummed communistical site doesn't have a search box for "penis?"

Tom McParland > Stef Schrader 05/30/2014 at 22:18

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Speaking of jobs other than Queen of Puffalumps, what do you do?

Stef Schrader > Tom McParland 05/30/2014 at 22:39

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Person numero dos at a newer race gear shop. We work closely with others in the parent/related companies, but yeah—there's two of us doing the daily operations for the store. I came from a job in a cubicle farm, so I'm loving the smaller office. There's also the whole "Hi! I have to buy what you sell anyway. You should hire me." factor, haha.

Just in case anyone is wondering: I got hired there after the article on covering up your raceboobs, so no conflicts of interest were at work when I pitched or wrote that. (I probably can't write a follow-up unless it's on [related publication], though.)

Prior to that, IT software marketing.

On the side, more writing.

I won't name where I'm at here because it's a Bertel Schmitt thread with weirdo references to the male anatomy, but here's a LinkedIn with err'thang for the curious.

Tom McParland > Stef Schrader 05/30/2014 at 22:55

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Thanks I figured your writing was a side gig, nice to know you can still talk cars as your day job. :)

Leadbull > Stef Schrader 05/30/2014 at 23:03

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Idk. I'm colorblind, so I can't see red.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Stef Schrader 05/31/2014 at 00:59

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Hey Stef, I just noticed you started recently with Winding Road. I have really fond memories of the early days of WR, especially DED, Jr's work there. They really had something special at the beginning, and I've honestly been pretty bummed to see it lose some of that early luster over the years. I used to be a loyal reader, but haven't read it regularly for some time. I'd encourage you, if you haven't already, to go back into the archives and read some of those early magazines and watch some of the fantastic videos they created back then (pure noise - some of them were art...). Would love to see WR return to producing more content like that (the road racing series looks pretty great, though). All the best with your time with them!

un-hipster > DailyTurismo 05/31/2014 at 01:09

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" The stories in Jalopnik simulate real journalism as much as Gran Turismo simulates car racing. "

thanks, I agree that both of these examples are excellent!

not sure if he's bragging or complaining, though... jalops could go to 100's of places to read the news (JOURNALISM!), but in my opinion they can't get the news AND be entertained like this site.

Stef Schrader > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 05/31/2014 at 01:49

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The store I'm on is sort of a separate entity than the publication, but drop the editors a note—I'm sure they'd love the feedback!

vorspringing > Tom McParland 05/31/2014 at 15:52

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Herr Crankypants should stick to writing mediocre car reviews and leave the Internet alone, since it's pretty clear he doesn't understand how it works.

Charge It! > Tom McParland 06/02/2014 at 10:26

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I am guessing somebody feels special so somebody else took it upon themselves to share that.